The Pursuit of Happiness

The pursuit of Happiness may not always sport such a happy route. As seen in the movie, yes you guessed it, Pursuit of Happiness, Will Smith endured a seemingly endless series of unfortunate events before arriving to a well-deserved contentment. It is similar to how I imagine the experiences couples have going through divorce. But let us not forget that divorce, as bad as it sounds is a remedial process.

People attach different kinds of feelings to the word divorce. Feelings such as guilt, regret, sorrow etc.  People tend to forget that divorce is a process for setting things straight. We tend to forget that separation is but a means to a much desirable end. Do not get me wrong, I don’t mean that divorce is something to look forward to. Since weddings really are thought to be the pinnacle of love and joyful things. I don’t think any ever dreams that their marriage end in divorce, but let us not forget why people divorce in the first place.

Regardless of how you look at any situation whether if its cheating, domestic violence, etc. it’ll only lead to a sort of common cause, incompatibility. The thing is that you can’t treat marital separation as an “I told you so” predicament. It doesn’t happen that way. Unhappy marriages (more often than not) can’t be anticipated. But it does happen, more often that we want to. And its as real as it gets when we say that “shit happens”. Would you blame it on a person to want to be liberated from shit? From an unhappy marriage? Wouldn’t you want a friend whose experiencing bad treatment from his/her partner a second chance to a better life? You would, and a means to be liberated is divorce.

Let us not forget that the goal of having a divorce, of continually recalibrating its legislation or any legislation for that fact, is to help facilitate the pursuit for a better life. The process might be messy, but the goal is to give justice and opportunity to the people involved. Its giving a kid a better future, its to give people another shot at a better marriage, its giving justice to a battered mother etc. Divorce helps pave the way to many things. The law was drafted not to give people pain in the ass, rather to provide a system that tries to alleviate it. Yes sure, it has its faults. The time you have to consider just waiting is insane. But if you look at it this way, that it ensures that you’ve exhausted any other possible way to keep your relationship afloat. It’s a drafted discomfort as a way to achieve freedom.

I believe that the healthiest way of looking at divorce, especially here in the Philippines, is that it provides options on how best to deal with cases of separation. The fact that there is divorce and not just annulment is a testament to what previous legislation can and can’t cover. Divorce isn’t a bad thing to begin with. It actually aims to provide the one thing we all want and need, happiness.

DIvorce vs. Abuse

There are many different reasons as to why domestic violence happens, issues such as miscommunication, frustration, bad temper, etc. And it happens. Marital feuds are as real as it gets, and sometimes it becomes rougher than usual. When the physical welfare of a party is involved, damages are made. Divorce helps spouses rid themselves of these experiences. Divorce paves the way to liberating abused wives, husbands and kids. Divorce can also be seen as a tool for combating effects of abuse and oppression. 

FACT: At least 42% women and 20% of men sustain minor injuries such as scratches, bruises and swelling. More severe injury may occur if the abuse is frequent and harsh. All of which are caused by domestic violence and abuse.

Abuse has both psychological and physical effects. Victims of abuse hurt not only on the outside, but the inside as well. Recent research and a series of testimonies will tell us that civil abuse causes emotional stress to a partner and cause significant psychological stress and damage. Depression due to the discomfort and stress one has to cope with. Low self-esteem brought by the clear authority and dominance displayed by violent acts of a party to another. Suicidal effects and alcoholism as forms of coping with the situation. There is an evident inability to trust due to the breach of mutuality in a relationship. These are just some of the more common psychological manifestations of domestic violence. And it is real, these things really do happen.

By not being able to stand up for themselves, the abuse continues and so does the hurting and the damage done. There will always be hurt inflicted and harm done, although the forms and degrees vary.

Victims of abuse should be able to distinguish one thing that is distinguishing abuse from well—tough love. For the sake of their physical, social and mental well-being, individuals, more specifically spouses, should know when to get out. And yes, Divorce helps victims of this sort to rid themselves of their abusive partners. Divorce not only helps sever the marital duties of the abused to the abuser, but it also creates ground for protection and security.

The advantage of having divorce in the system is being able to empower the oppressed and being able to liberate them from oppression. As much as divorce is a attributed to a sad and sorrowful act, it is as mentioned earlier, a means to a better outcome. This is one aspect that divorce has over Annulment, it is because divorce has been experimented and drafted accordingly to how best deal with situations like domestic violence, and how best to provide justice and protection to the victim.

What Happanes to the Kids?

I think the most affected party in a family that needs more attention are the children or kids. During a divorce or separation, I believe it is crucial for kids to get the proper attention, support and assurance.

Unlike adults who understand, and who can grasp the whole situation better, kids, especially in the earlier ages can’t. Most of the time, kids know only the big picture, that their parents are separated due to conflict. Such details as to why they parted each other, or how it all happened, or the feelings of different parties etc. They may not understand everything, which could manifest itself into a very stressful environment for the young boys and girls who come from broken families. The lack of understanding and knowledge and the uncertainty involved will create discomfort on the part of the younger ones.

Divorce means change, sometimes the change is too big and too abrupt. The effects of divorce on them may make children feel vulnerable, as they witness their family falling apart. It comes from figuring out or feeling that the security of the home is breached by parental internal affairs. It is easy to spot out differences especially in the material and resource capacity of two parents versus one. Here are a few hypothetical concrete examples on situations and symptoms that manifest from the divorce. Little Nicki might feel insecure and vulnerable when the groceries bought by his parents are reduced to half, that he is no longer to capable of availing to his favorite cereal ever since dad left. Another one would be Little Nicki comparing his or her family to the families of peers. A much capable and complete family may breed envy on the like of a child. Or whenever teased into just having one instead of two parents etc. The child is then enveloped into a relatively stressful environment. The support should address how a child should best be able to cope with it.

Children need to feel loved; they need to experience certain things in order for them to practice some. Children learn much from their parents; they are directly dependent on what they see, on what they feel. They (more often than not) are not mature or conscious enough to steer emotion, and thus the conflict might contribute in deterring their development. Just imagine a child seeing constantly how their parents fight. Imagine a kid seeing his/her mom beaten by his or her own dad. How would they feel? How would they be able to interpret these things, and although the coping mechanisms vary, the thing being coped with will always point to a much stressful environment.

These things, these predicaments these children face at such a young age may help shape their upbringing, the way they see things. These of which may able to be carried out even in mature stages of life. For example a kid who detests, hates and is angry of his father may manifest itself into generalizing it to men. This is one of the most common cases that create ground for irregular sexual preferences when they grow up. The development of a kid within a divorce is held as vulnerable as a sitting duck. Knowing what to do and how to do it might be a good start into addressing this problem. There should be a number of professional help that help educate parents, and help transit change into the life of the little ones.

On the Double Standard Machismo

The Philippines adheres to the Machismo cultural trait. The upbringing, etiquette, norms, and preferences of Pinoys have been more or less shaped by this. But what does this trait have to do with Divorce, or Annulment.

Si Malakas at Maganda. a title of a prominent Filipino folk tale on how creation came about. Both male and female emerged from “kawayan” or bamboo. Man was strong, Malakas, the woman was beautiful, Maganda. And like as history supports, this was how we saw gender roles.

Man is the active foundation of a household. He is strong, and hard. “Macho kumbaga.” He is “Hard” like stone, straying away from emotions. He is the protector, and he usually leads. Men should let ladies sit instead of them during train rides. Real men court ladies, and wait for approval. They’re both villain and protagonist. Men should always be strong, Astig. Anything that strays from these very traditional expectations is not what makes up a Filipino Man.

But, this also benefits the Ladies. Si Maganda, benefits from all the special treatment that Malakas offers her. She is given the opportunity to cut lines. They are given three whole carts in any rail transit. Their doors are opened for them by any “well mannered” guy. Their meals, paid for them. They stay home; tend to the children and the household. They are fragile, and beautiful, and are treated as such. Sila ang Ilaw ng Tahanan, and the driving force for any Filipino man.

Yes, both parties gain advantage from Philippine machismo. Their roles defined to complement each other. The double standard provided by this defining cultural attribute, and against usual assumptions, the Woman’s “weakness” becomes her biggest asset. This is evident especially in matters of court and law.

They are the default benefactors and are the usual winners for child custody. And for Annulment, that isn’t as specific and “competitive” as divorce, the woman acquires an unspoken but well understood consideration, of being a woman. That is, that men pose a bigger threat and have the bigger capacity to screw up a relationship than the woman. That it is assumed that the man cheats, and that the woman is faultless. That men are more capable providing for themselves, and that women have the higher capacity to care. Assume that we consider all of these factors in a neutral and less controlled context. Sides will tilt, to the benefit of Maganda.

Divorce came after annulment. A much more updated version of Annulment, has taken consideration of a greater variety of possible scenarios, it seems natural for any country to accept the upgrade. And for the Filipinos who live in such a contemporary time should seem to be able to accommodate and be provided by a much modern way of dealing with things. Laws are meant to provide equal footing, regardless of the culture and general perspective of things.

On the Philippine State and the Church

The State and the Church

Fact, the Philippines is predominantly Roman Catholic.

One of the primary reasons why any divorce bill has not been passed in the Philippines is due to the persistent efforts of the Catholic Church in opposing anything that smells or hints of divorce.

I personally admire the efforts of the Church in forever believing the capacity of Filipino families to do the right thing, to make the good choice. That is an admirable trait for anyone to have, especially in the Philippines. The Catholic Church believes that there are certain things that should not be touched or influenced by any form of legislation, one of which is divorce (and the RHB). I too would like to believe that people need not a much “stronger” or “potent” form of legislation that mediates marital dispute and separation.

But I also believe in research, and the reality of bad choices and decisions. I believe that there is always a constant population dealing with a variety of problems leading to different degrees relationship discomfort. I believe in the changing of time and tides, and how social research helps point these trends out. Such trends show that the Philippine population is booming, and that times are (for most of us) harder, and that marital separation rate is increasing. 

People differ from one another. “Different folks, (have) different strokes.” This should be addressed and acknowledged by the government. The Philippine population does not consist only of Roman Catholics. For all intentions and purposes, the government should also be able to acknowledge the presence of these other factors. I’m not saying that the RHB and Divorce bill be passed. But there should be a very clear division on the matters of the state, and the matters of the church. And I believe that legislation resides firmly on the side of the State.

Yes, the Church has a voice. It is indeed one of the strongest institutions. It loves the people, and is equally loved. The Church is able to influence and reach a great number and variety of people. Its opinion respected by the many. Prayer rallies have been great, both in number, and successful interventions. Its motives are both good and pure (at least until proven wrong). Its teachings go a long way, and have been the foundation of the earliest and most essentials laws. But let us not forget, that the consideration given by the State to the Church isn’t absolute.

One role of the Government is to provide a series of possible well thought decisions for its people. The country’s legislature should honor its citizens without exceptions, even non-Christian denominations. And for that reason should the Government make decisions that may or may not stray away from Church or public opinion. There should be a fine line, no offense to the Church, but the government should be able to decide in silence, without the loudness of other opinions. I’d like to believe (although others may strongly disagree) that the State knows what it’s doing, and the Church should also.

Divorce is the New Black

The Philippines is the only country in the World that does not support divorce. If divorce was the new Black, the Philippines would still be wearing.. well, not black. Why is this so? What part of the Philippine context is responsible for this? Is divorce a much needed change from Annulment? What is the deal, and why don’t I get it? Here are a set of assumptions I’ve been sporting thus far.

“Maybe because Philippines is predominantly Catholic”

Any religious denomination that acknowledges the family as a loving and caring fundamental block that makes up our society will resent anything that helps split it up. The Philippine Church will always resort to a much more subtle way of doing things. Annulment, the process of nulling or voiding a marriage sports the initial function of divorce, without the “competition” and the “mess” involved. The Church and all its power in the country, has the loudest voice, a voice that our congress will think twice ignoring.

But let us also take into account that there have been many other countries colonized by Spain, the same way they colonized the Philippines. Many countries have had the same Catholic movement, influence and power that our Church possesses. Many other countries are predominantly Catholic yet provide the choice between a divorce and annulment. What sets the Philippines apart from all of these other countries?

“Maybe because our State is not capable of accommodating the Process”

The country might not be able to accommodate the overhaul of the system, since it requires a great amount of time, focus and resource that can be used for other more pressing problems. The Philippine government should just settle with the present option, which is Annulment. There are many other different things besides divorce that needs focus right now.

Although recent research show the increasing number of Annulments filed in the Philippines, and that there is a great rise in marital separations the past few years. Doesn’t the government feel the “need” to enforce more options for an issue that’s making its way up the newspapers and public arguments?

“Maybe Philippine society isn’t ready”

The country might not be able to deal with the very western process of dealing with breakups. Maybe its because we’ve all been blindsiding the fact that the very strong Filipino family isn’t as invincible and invulnerable as we all so solidly assumed. Maybe these things, these changes can be accommodated by our pride, our Filipino resilience. Why fix something that isn’t necessarily broke—yet? We’ve not felt as affected as a nation as our other neighbors point us out to be. It’s possible that these changes would in theory hit Juan Dela Cruz’s curb real bad. We’re just not ready for that?

“Maybe because all of it isn’t necessary”

Maybe because it’s the complete opposite of what we all think. Maybe its true, that the mess, the complications, the system, isn’t something the Filipinos need. Its something that we can all live without.

OR

“Maybe, I just really don’t understand it yet”

Which is in itself, a really good theory.

Leading Causes for Separation

Yes, lets be real and face the fact that there is a very real need for a standard protocol for splitting up. The realest things about divorce/annulment are the reasons and causes behind it. Here are a few I’ve encountered while reading up on cases and clicking through testimonies and stories.

Number one on the list is the failure of communication. Communication is important in all walks of life. Failure of communication may lead to the loss of a sporting team, a plane crash and yes, separation. One of the main causes of divorce is the failure to communicate marital problems. Couples tend to “bury their heads in sand” or an individual ending up “talking to a wall”. Communication is essential. Reasons to why it fails vary, but when it does, so does the marriage.

In a culture mostly dominated by monogamous relationships, the presence of a third party is another prime reason for separation. Any person engaged in a relationship will not deny the fact that sometimes an itch presents itself. An itch to try different things, enjoy a different crowd, be with someone, to be well-- different. And for these reasons some individuals stray and commit infidelity, the same Infidelity that causes pain and separation, and dissolves mutuality. When this happens, most relationships and marriages fail.

“Money is the root of all evil” not necessarily, but it is a primary cause for divorce. Money is a tool essential for every family to reach a certain comfort. Regardless of how people view what is comfortable, and what isn’t, being in discomfort for a long time may test a relationship. And sometimes, not being able to pay the bills, buy that car, or accommodate a certain lifestyle causes a tired and weary individual to just quit from the marriage.

Sex. Yes, sex. Sex fuels the intimate function of a relationship. Not being able to have good sex, will sometimes lead to a partner wanting better. And when better is what they want rather than the partner smells of marital failure. Most young couples are vulnerable to this, but as relationships grow older and stronger, lovemaking is demoted to a much less of a problem.

It might be snoring really loud.  It might be having a strong love or disgust for dogs. It might be the porn you hide under your bed. It might be smoking. It might be stretch marks. “It” can be many different little things that annoy an individual. Add “it” to the equation and everything else is amplified. It is real enough to say that the failure to overcome the little annoying things helps build the problem and contribute to the breakup.

There are many different things that push couples to the limit. It can be one of these things, a combination of two or more issues, or something that isn’t as predictable as the others. People have problems, and problems either make or break a person, and it’s these kinds of problems that make or break relationships.

Pretending it Never Happened

Divorce in the Philippines would not be an argument without its older smaller brother, Annulment. What differentiates annulment from divorce? What advantages or disadvantages does it sport? What makes it work?

An annulment is the process of cutting marital ties by pretending that it never really happened. Annulment declares that a marriage was never really legally valid. Annulment works on erasing the cause, as a form of dealing with the problem. As compared to Divorce, that states that the marriage did not work. Divorce is a much more troubleshooting approach, discussing and dealing with everything that comes with marital conflict and separation. Unlike divorce, which is a legal binding process, Annulment isn’t recorded.

There is a choice between a Religious Annulment, which is done by the Church, or a Legal Annulment done by the court. An advantage to this is not having harmed any religious standing and belief. You can get married at a Church, and have them void it for you. It is virtually accepted by the Catholic Church, thus being more compatible to the Philippines. (At least, that’s what we all think)

Annulments usually happen much earlier than divorces, usually in a few months or a few years after marriage. But they don’t necessarily have a certain timeframe.

Having annulments take less time than Divorces, since it only deals with erasing the marriage from legal records. They require less time paid off lawyers. The way I see it, is that annulment is a lot less messy. But does quickness mean efficiency? Or practicality?

Annulments have their advantages, and they seem like a better, simpler solution as compared to divorces. But let us also consider the disadvantages of just “pretending it never happened”.

Pretending it never happened gets a lot more difficult when there are factors, which in fact steer to the direction that it really did happen. Such as joint acquisitions of properties such as land, cars, houses, clothes, dogs, you name it. Annulment doesn’t directly address this, since “this” never happened right? So Annulment’s best asset also becomes its biggest offset. There isn’t much the government can do in mediating the division of these things, on who or what goes where. It’s a lot less work, and a lot less work done? So does quickness and simplicity necessarily mean efficiency? As far as I remember, I may be wrong, but don’t you have to file separate cases for custody and property? I mean really?

Annulment provides little protection over the individuals involved. What happens to battered wives? What happens to the uncompensated damages of Adultery? What happens to the kids? Who gets them? Annulment just ensures that nothing ever really happened, but it did, and sometimes there are lots of things that come with it. And that is completely fine, for some cases, cases that have “less”.

The question is, can Annulment suffice for everything that the Philippines needs. Is Annulment enough? Or do we need something more?

Definition and History

Divorce as defined crudely by Wikipedia is

“The final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties.

In Most countries divorce requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process. The legal process for divorce may involve and accommodate a series of issues such as spousal support, child custody, child support, distribution of property and division of debt.”

In layman’s terms, divorce separates and cancels out a couple’s marital duties and restrictions in the event of their failure to coexist. Divorce is also mediated by the Civil Court to provide just resolve to a myriad of forms of oppression.

Fun Fact though, the Philippines is the one country that has not legalized Divorce. Why?

To truly understand what it means to have divorce in the Philippines, I believe that we should briefly dwell on the origin or history of Divorce and somehow create a deeper definition based on that context. What events made it necessary? When did the need for legal intervention for marital separation become apparent?

The roots of divorce are traced back as early as the ninth and tenth century. The same time the Church was at its peak. For an act of separation to coexist with the assumption that the bonds of marriage was not dissoluble by human power (Church Sacrament, go figure) people resulted to separate maintenance. Separate maintenance meant that the failure of wife and husband to coexist meant that they would literally live separately. Although physically rid of each other, the marital status would not be absolutely void. This however limited the actions of both parties. A second chance for a second shot at marriage and family was if not beyond reach, was illegal, and very difficult.

Separate maintenance needed a reform, and it was reformed, right after the “Reformation”. Right after the separation of Church and State, non-Catholic regions deemed that marriage and separation was considered a civil contract, and a breach. Since there were no other predecessors rather than mentioned earlier, the States adopted “separate maintenance” under the ecclesiastic courts as framework, and listed down the circumstances and prerequisites that was needed for a marriage to be granted such.

The State during that time understood the need for legal intervention to support and mediate legal separation. It was to prevent circumstances of oppression such as marital-violence, adultery, abandonment, and cruelty. The State also affirmed the need for a more neutral form of mediation to accommodate other religious sectors. And for other similar reasons, the Divorce that we know now came about.

Why not accommodate Divorce when its initial premise is really to be “fair”? Why not follow the lead of nations such as the US who has been a known pioneer of Divorce. What is it that differentiates Annulment from Divorce?

Quite frankly, I don’t know.

But we ought to find out. Soon. I think.

Sisa..

I was doing my thing in the bathroom when it came to me. What if Sisa had the opportunity to file divorce? What if she had a way of emancipating herself from her drunkard bastard-of-a-father husband?

Let us first start off with a quick recap of who Sisa was. Sisa is a character from Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere. And if I remember my High School education correctly, she was married to a drunkard, and had two kids, Crispin and Basilio. Sisa was portrayed as your usual Filipino girl. Mahinhin, mabait, mapagmahal. She was soft spoken, kind and loving. Sisa loved her kids, but couldn’t afford to provide for them a good life, because of said bastard father. Her children served as sacristans to the local Church of the barrio and suffered ill fate. Crispin, whose whereabouts remained uknown, and Basilio who ran far away from home. As a response to the situation, Sisa turned psycho, and died at the end.

Sisa may be a fictional character, but Rizal portrayed her as the weak Filipina in relation to that generation’s context. But what if, Sisa were able to separate herself from her husband? Wouldn’t that change the story, maybe tweak it a little bit, and create a better outcome for her and her kids? The situation may be fictional, but it also depicts some of the common predicaments modern day women face. Let us try and retell the story of Rizal.

Sisa filed divorce against her husband. She showed proof of physical violence, such as bruises and scratches (which I’m pretty sure was mentioned in Noli). She provided the court with testimonies and other evidence that indeed her husband was a drunkard. Due to the child negligence and domestic violence, Sisa won the case.  What if she succeeded to sever her marital duties, if she was granted freedom from her husband’s oppression? What if her husband paid and shouldered a fine, then was put to prison? What if she was able to seize custody of both Crispin and Basilio. What if she were granted protection and property and was able to live a decent life. What if the Church and State of San Diego was less corrupt and more divided? What if that’s how it happened? It would make a really bad story on Rizal’s part, but wouldn’t it have made perfect sense?

That is what these forms of legislature stand and fight for. These laws stand for the betterment of lives and for upholding justice. They are drafted to provide each citizen the choices and a means to achieve a desired outcome. The capacity of these laws, bills such as divorcement and annulment, is to give modern day Sisa’s a fighting chance, and a second wind to get things right. Isn’t that worth debating for? Isn’t that what the recent talk is all about?

What if the government passed and discussed a standard and well thought-of protocol for times like these. We have the power to change and shape our lives, that is why we need something to guide us through.

So ask yourself, what if Sisa were able to file a divorce. What if.

Introduction

Things have quite stirred up here in the Philippines; a great number of controversial issues have dive-bombed their way into congress and public opinion and discussion. One of which, after long discussions under hush voices, is the debatable need for a much appropriate resolve in dealing with Marital and Household conflicts. Yes, it starts with D, and ends with separation. Divorce has been around the block the past few weeks, and has been the talk of the town along with its cousin the RHB. And since the trend suggests that divorce is the new black, why not seize the opportunity to talk about it?

This blog, these journal entries, will be devoted on the effort to provide a decent number of facades and perspectives which one can use to look at divorce. I for one am not leaning towards it, nor am I against it. And for my own sake, and the sake of the people who have given-time-to-read-this-shit-and-coincidently-share-my-views-of-neutrality, we will dwell on the many narrations and variety of contexts which divorce finds its way into.  I do not know what I think about divorce, that is my dilemma.

PS: Just in case you have a stand, and are willing to try swaying me to your part of the park, go ahead. Write it down, post a link. With zero followers, it’s a longshot. Anyway..

The sources and basis of research and readings used in this here blog will be based on my questionable judgment.  I will try to find time to read the things that really matter, the boring yet very informative material provided by the credible internet sites, news paper editorials and columns, published articles etc. But I will also be basing some of the articles on more opinionated, less adulterated, accounts of text. Some of which I might find in youtube, or tumbler, or on some random blog. Just as long as it provides a voice, and as long as it helps draw a conclusion from the argument, I don’t see why not.

And so, I begin this humble blog by naming it to a title of (one of the many) great song of blink 182 (an apt rebellious tone of brooding teen spirit), Stay Together For The Kids. I’ve also named it SISAmistreat, with respect to one of the oldest characters in Philippine context, Sisa from Noli mixed with a joke and an intentional pun.

You’ve read this far, might as well, push further.